What do "good manners" really mean and how do we practice them?

At Manners Pro, we like to say that manners are the nice way of doing things. Good manners help others feel more comfortable and know what to expect next. To that end, in the business world, home world or school world, how can we best practice good manners in a proactive way? It is not just opening doors for others; it is a mindset about how we approach relationships that will really help us practice good manners. Consider the following: 1. Understand the power of your words. How different could our relationships look if we committed to saying positive things like “thank you” and “great job” more often? I submit those relationships would be much more positive. Our words carry more weight than we know. Our words can speak positivity into the people around us if we’re willing to run them through a filter of consideration for others first - which is the very definition of having good manners. This doesn’t mean that we have to sugarcoat everything or shy away from the truth. It simply means we should be slow to critique and quick to compliment and encourage others. 2. Commit to helping others succeed. If you are successful in life, then good for you. But if those around you are successful, that will define the legacy you leave and how others think of you. Our friends, coworkers, spouses and kids won’t remember us for what we accomplish, but instead for what we helped them to accomplish and how we encouraged them on along the way. If you are sincerely committed to helping others around you reach their goals, you will be the person people regard as having great matters and the most consideration for others.

Polite Gestures That Never Fail to Impress

1) We often get a "What?" or "Huh?" When you say "pardon me" or "excuse me" it seems kinder and less terse. 2) Bringing food to someone experiencing a stressful situation. You may not be able to solve their problems but you can show you care. 3) Wipe down counters in public restroom. You know how they are always wet so use your hand towel to do a quick sweep of the sinks before you leave. It shows the next person you care. 4) Help others place luggage in overhead bin or remove it after a flight. You cannot get any more helpful. 5) Say thank you for your service to every veteran you meet. They are the reason we get to talk about manners in our free society.

Eleanor Roosevelt on Manners

"What we need in the world is manners...I think that if, instead of preaching brotherly love, we preached good manners, we might get a little further. It sounds less righteos and more practical." I could not agree more. Thank you Mrs. Roosevelt.

Finishing School Short Course - Manners for Parties

This month we are giving you a quick finishing school short course on a variety of topics. Today's topic is manners for parties. 1) RSVP'ing - always do it and do it timely, whether yes or no. It's just polite to help your host plan. 2) Bringing Others - Whoever is on the invite is invited. If your baby is not on the invite, baby is not invited. If the invite says "Name and Family" bring everyone along. "Name and Guest" on the invite then your +1 is invited. 3) Special Food Needs - For really large parties, you should be prepared to be on your own. Don't mention your dietary needs to your host. For small dinner parties, let the host know as soon as possible and offer to bring a dish. 4) Arrival Time - for dinner party, show up 10 to 15 minutes after scheduled time. NEVER NEVER show up early because the host may not be ready. Any later than 15 minutes late, you should let the host know. 5) Saying Good-Bye - If there are fewer than a dozen people in attendance, that is your cue to move on. Say good-bye to the host and if there are more than that you can slip out and send a note that says thank you so much for a great party. 6) Leaving Promptly - do not be the last guest at a party unless you are a very close friend. The evening is over when these things happen - music is off, lights are on, server has been dismissed, and food is getting cleaned up. 7) Kicking Out Guests - If it is getting late, it is ok to let guests know you have an early morning and say you have to start cleaning. If you need to be more blunt, you can say thank you for staying until the end, I had such a good time with you, but I am going to have to turn in now.

Finishing School Short Course - Table Manners

This month we will give quick tips for a polished and professional image in any social or business situation. You don't need finishing school to learn these things - just a few reminders will get you far. Table Manners 1) Elbow placement - Elbows on table are ok if not eating. But don't use your elbow as a fulcrum for bringing food to your mouth. Wrists on the table are always ok. 2) Using the right fork for each course - Work from the outside in - salad to dessert fork. 3) Using the right bread plate - Reminder "BMW". Bread plate is on your left, Meal plate is in the middle, Water glass is on the right. 4) Digging In - Wait until everyone is served or the host gives the green light before you dig in. If its a large buffet style serving, you can eat when you get your food. If it is a preset event, wait until the hosts gives the cue. 5) Passing Food - First time around the tabel pass the food counterclockwise so the right hand is free for serving. Always pass both salt and pepper together even if asked for only one. 6) Reaching - If you can get the item near without a full arm extension, do it. Otherwise ask to have it passed. 7) Leaving the table - ask to excuse yourself (sans details - like I need to go to the bathroom - no one needs to know that). Leave your napkin to the left of your plate, not on your seat.

When Saying No Is Polite (and best for your sanity!)

Some of us cannot stop themselves from agreeing to every request for help. When we say yes all the time, we can tax ourselves beyond what we can bear. We may even end up resenting people we help. But, most importantly we may miss the "yes" opportunities that really matter like spending time with family over helping with one more bake sale for the community center. I am going to school full time and also working full time and helping out with another side business when I can. I am taxed to the max professionally and it certainly effects my relationships with my family and friends. I have said no to a lot of opportunities but most of the time I have gotten it wrong and said yes to way too many things I probably should have turned down for my own health and sanity and out of respect for my relationships with those that really matter. So what are things we can do to help ourselves say no? 1) Remove the guilt. Do not think you are not a good friend or a good person because you turn down someone. Let them know you care about them but that the timing for you is not convenient based on other obligations. Sometimes this one is the hardest for me to do and I usually cave here... 2) Rehearse saying no ahead of time so you won't cave in at the last minute or waffle about whether you will help or not. 3) If the request for help is spur of the moment, do not immediately respond. "I'll think about that and get back with you" is always appropriate. It also gives you time to process and check with family and on your other obligations to make sure you are availabe. 4) Time is also a friend in this circumstance - delaying an answer raises the possibility of no. But be mindful that this may leave others in a quandry to find replacement help if you have given the impression you may be available. 5) Don't blurt out the "no." Soften your voice so the no comes across as sincere and does not hurt the feelings of the other person. But if you do say yes, by all means do it. Let your yes be a yes and your no be a no - do not be in between. Those are the people everyone else will resent for being a waffler and someone you cannot count on. To "no" more times this week! Marty

To Being Forever Young - Fashion and MakeUp Mistakes That Age Us!

I loved this article (By Health.com). It is a great reminder that it is really ok to be our age and give us tips to look great at any age!!

Speech Goofs to Avoid Part III (Baby Talk)

Logically, women know that speaking in a baby voice does not say totally together career woman! Yet women whose voices are not naturally high pitched sometimes break into this tone when under pressure. Women could consciously or unconsciously be using the ammunition that worked for them as children. But this innocent-cute card that worked to get your way as an adolescant does not project authority as an adult. Yawning several times with your mouth wide open and with pursed lips helps stretch your throat and tongue and prevents sounds from escaping through your nose, thus eliminating nasally baby voice. If you have a naturally high pitched voice, humming in a low pitch can warm up your voice and get it into that lower register.

Speech Goofs to Avoid Part II (Fillers)

Subconsciously dotting sentences with like, ums, and ya-know is common. But, when we do this, people consciously or unconsciously question our intelligence (thank you 1980's valley girls...) Recording yourself on a phone conversation will let you know how badly you fall into this habit. Or you can ask a trusted friend who will be honest with you. The way to fix the problem, breathe! Instead of "like" or "um", use that opportunity to take a breath to collect your thoughts instead of filling the silence with a sound. The pause will keep others from interrupting you when they think you are filling time with useless words. Instead, they will hang on to the words you say and not lose interest because valuable words are all that will come out.

Speech goofs to avoid

We all want to sound professional and be respected in the workplace. But a few speech "tics" may stand in our way.  

1) Shut down the "up speak". You know this when you hear it. Everything that someone says rises up and sounds like they are asking a question.  That "up speak" conveys hesitation, insincerity and confusion. One way to check if you do this is to record yourself speaking. Note the words that rise and fall. Then work to create a steady voice pattern that avoids these fluctuations. You will instantly sound more confident and command attention. 

2) Slow Down and Go Deep - When you voice is relaxed, well-paced and expressive, you are easy to listen to and your message will be received in kind. Alternatively, when your voice is high pitched, fast, and constricted, you run the risk of being perceived that way in the workplace. Find your calm, lower pitched voice to help your ideas gain the credibility they deserve. 

Compliments That Count - Applaud TRUE Accomplishments

As we mentioned, compliments hopefully encourage behavior that we would like repeated. To that end, it's important NOT to commend your children or co-workers for easy tasks (for example - kids taking out the trash or coworker filing the documents). This kind of reflexive praise makes too big a deal about ordinary responsibilities that should be part of normal family life or normal work life. It also may have more damaging consequences. Children or co-workers may think you can't recognize how simple the job is, or suspect you believe he or she is fragile and needs a pat on the back for doing it. Save your appreciation for efforts that are merit-worthy. When praise is truly deserved, it becomes a powerful motivating force.

Compliments That Count - Be Sincere/Don't Manipulate

Don't be someone who gives compliments so frequently that they mean nothing to the recipient. Be judicious in giving compliments, and when you do, mean it. Others know when you are faking it. Also don't be a manipulator when you give compliments - i.e. giving a compliment to motivate something you value v. something actual valuable. For example, a co-worker will know when you are trying to manipulate future behavior by saying "It was so good to see you in the office early today." T hey know you would like them to show up earlier but is that the valuable thing? Likley not. Likely it is the work that would happen during this time. You can be more subtle and more effective in your compliment if you notice specific activity. "I noticed you were working hard on the ABC project early today. Thank you. How is that coming?" This alternative will lead people to be engaged and will also let them know you appreciate their hard work. It also makes bosses realize what is the valuable activity. Presence is not valuable - it is the hard work when present and that is what we want to encourage.

Compliments That Count - DETAILS, DETAILS, DETAILS

I submit that the main goal of praise is to reinforce this behavior - that is, encouraging people to continue to act in ways that lead to positive outcomes. As a boss or a person who has direct reports at work, it is often hard to know how to give good feedback during evaluations or throughout the year. If you are not clear about how and why someone you work with has done something good, it is more difficult for them to repeat that behavior. Therefore, it is important to avoid generalizations and be specific about their actions, not your feelings (for example - say you worked so hard on preparing that presentation or I could see how well you understand all the details of that problem). Zero in on areas your co-workers or direct reports can control - and improve - to reach their goals, including discipline and perseverance. This will encourage that same behavior to be repeated and likely improved upon! Additionally, if you report to someone at your job and have frequent evaluations, ask your boss to be specific. If they give you generalizations, like "way to go" ask them specifics - like what was the most important part of that project for you? Those questions let your boss know your are interested in doing a great job and continuing to do a good job in the future.

Compliments That Really Count - Give an "A" for trying

Whether as a parent, friend, or boss, it is important to give compliments that really count so that you motivate the right behavior. It may seem counterintuitive, but commending what comes naturally - whether it's athletic talent, a musical gift or brainpower - often backfires. A recent Columbia University study found that kids who were praised for their intelligence became overly focused on performing well. After incorrectly answering some IQ test questions, kids showed less persistence and performed poorly even on easier ones that followed. Once you praise a child for intelligence, they can become invested in success. They fear difficulty because they begin to equate failure with stupidity. Recognizing and rewarding effort, however, has the opposite effect, motivig kids to work harder, aim higher and savor their achievements. I think the same motivations likely work on those that work with us - people will work harder when we recognize the effort - not just the aptitude. When we recognize effort, we show that value hard work in those we work with and it is likely that these kinds of compliments will continue to get harder work as a result!

Customer service - the right first question?

I have had some recent shopping experiences where some of the customer service folks have it so right and others where they have it so wrong. To brag - men's shops tend to get it right. I go into men's clothing stores with my boyfriend and they know when to be attentive and when to let you look. I wonder if men are generally more straight forward than women and so when someone says they don't need help they accept that more readily?  Also men's stores tend to ask if you are "looking for something specific" whereas women's stores tend to ask "can I help you". The latter question is more open ended and I submit the men's stores generally get a better answer. If I am looking for something specific I will say - yes where are the casual pants? They show me and I get them and leave.  And if I say no then they know I am a browser and tend to leave me to look. 

The challenge is always to know whether to "help" aggressively or more subtlety suggest items. I think those in customer service need to pay attention to the cues given. I often say I don't need help and when I say it I mean it. And when I have a "hovering" sales associate it is a sure fire way to make me leave. When that happens, I feel like they did not listen to me when I said I did not need help and worse they hover because they think I am going to take something. If stores think people may take things they need more subtle ways to discover that than huddling around each customer.  Also I submit the better question is whether I am looking for something specific - then they circumvent any question about what I am doing - browser, intentional shopper or otherwise and can immediately give me the best customer service by attending to my specific needs. 

Talk Starters

Many times we don't know how to break into conversations at events or get to know new co-workers. There is always the awkward first impressions and silent pauses that make us uncomfortable. Further, sometimes we are a the "new guy" and we want to make sure we are perceived as personable. One of the easiest ways to get to know someone is to start with a sincere compliment. If you start with that, you are sure to make a positive first impression. Importantly, if you listen to responses to compliments you can keep the conversation going. For example: Compliment: That pie you made is great. Answer: Thank you. It was my grandmother's recipe. Response: Oh fantastic. Did she teach you to cook? Answer...) Inevitably, the conversation goes on. If you are the new person to a workplace, you can bring a prop that gets people talking. Maybe you wear a quirky scarf or handbag. You come to the event with something that will pique interest and make conversations easier for you all night.

Why Polite People Prosper

Being polite, all the time, will make it easier to achieve your goals in life. People are more inclined to want to help someone they like and respect and who likewise shows them the same respect. "Politeness" cannot be something you turn on and off in the right situations. For example, you cannot be kind to your boss yet disrespectful to direct reports. You will only come across and insincere and be disrespected by others for this opportunistic behavior. When you are polite all the time, you will likely be more popular than those who are not polite. In this world of social networking, being popular and well liked can make a big difference in the opportunities that are presented to you. Further, your reputation is the only thing that precedes you and will be remembered when you leave. A reputation as a considerate person can only serve you well. So proactice politeness. In stores, thank the stock person. At work, ask your secretary if you can get lunch for her one day. At home, make a special breakfast for the family. Once well practiced, politeness will easily follow you everywhere.

Why Good Table Manners Show Respect for Others

Simply, etiquette means treating others the same way you want to be treated. But learning etiquette rules can mean much more than this. Proper etiquette helps us identify with important emotions like empathy, sympathy, and compassion. When we are polite to others, we acknowledge that they are important and have the same feelings as we do. With this in mind, we will discuss the reasons why certain conventions of etiquette really help us identify with these emotions. Table Manners Being polite at the table is important no matter where you are. Poor table manners tell others you don't care about their feelings. Further, they can embarrass friends and family. When you share meals with someone you want to impress, whether girlfriend, boyfriend, employer, or client, these are a few tips to get you through: 1) Chew with your mouth closed in a closed and quiet way. Smacking of others is an appetite suppressant for those that have to hear it. 2) If you need to blow your nose or burp, get up from the table to do it. 3) Wait until everyone at the table is seated and has their plates before you start eating your meal. In past centures, the most important person was served first. By waiting, you are showing the rest of the group you respect them as equals. 4) Ask for food to be passed, do not reach across others to grab it. Reaching across shows you do not value the space of others and that your needs are more important than theirs. Further, you reach over their food and can get hair or dirt in their food.

Hold That Door!

Simply, etiquette means treating others the same way you want to be treated. But learning etiquette rules can mean much more than this. Proper etiquette helps us identify with important emotions like empathy, sympathy, and compassion. When we are polite to others, we acknowledge that they are important and have the same feelings as we do. With this in mind, we will discuss the reasons why certain conventions of etiquette really help us identify with these emotions. Holding the Door When you are going through a door, especially in a public place, look behind you to see if someone is about to go through the door immediately after you. If so, once you are through the door, step aside and hold the door open for the person behind you. It does not matter if it is a male or a female. It is just a nice thing to do for anyone. If you are entering a door then you'll hold it and let those behind you go through first. The kindness shown takes only a few second of time and makes others feel good. Holding doors for others reminds us that it's important to care for one another. It's an acknowledgement that we are all in this together.

Looking People in the Eye

Simply, etiquette means treating others the same way you want to be treated. But learning etiquette rules can mean much more than this. Proper etiquette helps us identify with important emotions like empathy, sympathy, and compassion. When we are polite to others, we acknowledge that they are important and have the same feelings as we do. With this in mind, we will discuss the reasons why certain conventions of etiquette really help us identify with these emotions. Looking People In The Eye Eyes are known as the window to the soul. Emotions are often easy to read if you can see someone's eyes. When someone speaks to you it is a matter of respect to answer and look at her in the eye. If you shift your gaze to the ground or the side, you give the impression you are deceptive or can't be trusted. While this perception may not be fair, you can practice looking people in the eye. When you go to the grocery store and are checking out with a clerk, look him in the eye when you give your credit card or cash. Consciously look friends in the eye when you are speaking with them. You can learn this habit and it will make you seem more sincere when you meet new people.